So above all else,
let love be the beautiful prize for which you run.
1 Corinthians 13:13 TPT
Imagine what your marriage would be like if you ran after a greater love for one another.
I remember the first date with my husband. It was Labor Day weekend. We worked together and he had called to see if mutual friends from the office had plans for the weekend. As it turned out, everyone had plans; so Chuck and I decided to go out. Within a month, I knew I loved him.
There have been 14,314 days that passed by between our first date and our 38th wedding anniversary — which is on November 10, 2017. The love we today have isn’t the same as when we were dating or even first married. In fact, the love that we have for each other is stronger and deeper than ever.
Just a little teaser, next week my husband, Chuck, will be on the Podcast. We will share what we have learned from all these years of marriage.
But first, we are going to tackle the subject of LOVE! These are four cores of love. I share with couples in both pre-martial and marriage counseling.
1) Love is not perfect because we are not perfect.
2) Love is a choice we make each day.
3) Love requires action.
4) Love requires a commitment to work through the hard stuff.
1) Love is not perfect because we are not perfect.
Growing up I was taught the Disney version of love in movies like Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty and Snow White. The storyline was the same, a damsel in distress being rescued by the prince, they fall in love and live happily ever after. The problem with this scenario is for us as women we are taught a rescuer will come, love us and life will be perfect. And for men, there is an expectation to live up to of being the rescuer, providing a perfect life.
In real life, the love between two people grows and matures as each one grows and matures. Through this maturing process, a marriage goes through many stages, but here are a few core understandings to help us grow in love.
2) Love is a choice we make each day.
Loving is a choice, a daily choice. Just as we choose who we are going to marry, we can choose to love them.
I shared this story in an early blog, but it is worth repeating. In my daughter’s youth group, they were tasked with making a list of the characteristics they would want in a spouse. Two weeks before my daughter was to marry, she found the list and her future husband had the attributes and characteristics she had listed many years before. She made the choice of who she wanted to love, so when she met him — she recognized him.
For those who are not married, take time to do this step. Write down what you are looking for in a spouse. And take an additional step and list what kind of spouse you would like to be.
For those of us who are married, loving your spouse is a daily choice. It is a choice to wake up every day saying, I love you – whether you feel like it or not. The other choice we make is focusing on the good things about your spouse. And it starts by each day focusing on one of the attributes you love about them. Then taking it a step further by encouraging your spouse by telling them the one thing you love about them. Honey, I love the way you work so hard at your job. I love the time you give to the kids. These small steps will immediately grow your love for your spouse.
Many times we are so focused on the one negative thing that our spouses do, that we forgot all the positive things. When we switch our mindset to focus on the positive, we become physically and emotionally healthier. And with our change, we will see our relationship change. Episode 12 Negativity Stops Us — Positivity Propels Us explains the physical changes that take place in our bodies when we change our thoughts and our words from negative to positive. You can find it under Media at Cindy-Stewart.com.
In choosing to love in this way, we are able to sift out the non important things in our relationship, and shift our focus on what is important. I opened with a verse from 1 Corinthians 13 about running after love. From the previous verses 4-6, I have listed some of the attributes of love you can use as a guide in shifting your focus to the essentials of love.
Love is incredibly patient
Love is gentle and kind
Love refuses to be jealous
Love does not shame or disrespect
Love is not easily irritated
Love is a safe place of shelter
Love never stops believing the best for others
Read through the list and choose the one that speaks to you. Begin shifting your thoughts, your words and your actions by choosing this way of love. Then start the list over again until you have gone through each one.
3) Love requires action.
When we love someone, action is required to demonstrate our love to them. There is a couple in my church who give me a piece of jewelry on my birthday each year. The first time they gave me a gift, they said, “we say we love you, but we want to show you we love you.”
Marriage is not only saying we love, but it is the action showing our lifelong commitment to loving our spouse. Our commitment to loving them, comes not only in choosing to love, but putting our love into action.
Love actions can be demonstrated in little ways each day and in bigger decisions. I have learned over the years, that if it is important to my husband then it has to be important to me, even in the little things.
For example, when I walk in the door and take my shoes off. At times, I have two or three pairs left in the kitchen. My husband doesn’t like clutter — but he doesn’t remind me every time, he will just pick them up and put them away for me. Not to get at me — but to serve me. And it is not as if I leave them there to bug him — I just take them off and forget about them. Over the years, I have become more aware of his preference, so I try to take my shoes straight to the closest. Leaving my shoes in the kitchen is not life or death, but taking them to the closet shows my love for him.
In different seasons in our marriage, we have shown our love by sacrificing for each other. Like when my mom was ill, my husband invited her to come live with us. And a promotion came for my husband in another city, we moved away from my hometown and my family for him to take it. Then I had a opportunity for a job promotion that required travel, and my husband picked up the extra duties taking care of the kids and most of the chores.
All of these examples demonstrate our love for each other. These actions have provided avenues of growth and maturity for both of us.
4) Love requires a commitment to work through the hard stuff.
We started with the understanding that we are not perfect, so our ability to love is not perfect. Due to our imperfection, our love will only grow if we are committed to work through the difficulties we face — together.
There are external pressures on our marriages, finances, illness, loss, to name a few. These are challenges we can face together, we pray together, we talk through possible solutions and seek wise counsel.
There are our internal struggles that need support outside our ability to give each other. It might deal with an inability to trust, disappointment in our marriage, not being able to communicate clearly. These require outside help. You might need marriage counseling or individual counseling, there are wonderful marriage and family retreats to bring health back into your family.
When things get hard, it is the commitment you have made to chose love that will help you preserve. From this commitment, through perseverance — you will be willing and able to do whatever is necessary to help your love to grow through these hard things of life.
Today we have just scratched the surface on love. I would challenge you and your spouse to take time and discuss each of these. Each of these areas will help you and your spouse investigate how these four cores are working in your marriage.
1) Love is not perfect because we are not perfect.
2) Love is a choice we make each day.
3) Love requires action.
4) Love requires a commitment to work through the hard stuff.
Love is a wonderful gift. I have had the great blessing of being loved and loving my husband.
I would love to help your marriage grow in love. If you need some help processing through any of these elements, fill out the Connection Form and we will begin the conversation. Looking forward to assisting you in the journey to connecting to your best!
Remember, you are the best investment you can make!